Let’s get one thing straight: Apple evangelists should probably be murdered in their sleep. Anyone that uses the phrase ‘it just works’ should be kicked to death. No question. I’d even be prepared to chip in with a boot or two. And I’ve got fucking massive feet.

So why does Microsoft make it impossible to for me to run Windows without wanting to kill myself?

I got my first MacBook a few years back, after three PCs had basically collapsed under the sheer weight of malware and filth I had heaped upon them. And it’s true to say that I’ve never had a problem since. But for Christ’s sake, a computer shouldn’t be seen as a kind of portal to a better life, should it? It’s a fucking computer! It should be seen for what it is: a gateway to an infinitely huge amorphous splat of pornography and illegally sourced music with the odd blog or news website chucked in for good measure.

Windows 7 was designed by bastards for idiots. Snow Leopard was designed by smug arseholes for other smug arseholes. And the thing is, I’d rather side with the smug arseholes because the other option ends in a messy death. Specifically, mine. (I’ve never been very good with knots.)

I had to buy a laptop the other week. It’s for work. It’s fucked already. Turning it on in the morning is an exercise in ‘will it, won’t it’, as the various cogs and valves creak into life, get together and mull over whether they can be arsed. Most of the time, it just about works. But occasionally (probably one in ten) it doesn’t. I am then required to root about in the machine’s innards, searching for hidden directories and other shit that’s too complicated for me to think of an analogy for.

It drives me FUCKING INSANE.

It shouldn’t be like this. But it will be, forever. The only thing that could change this endless cycle of misery would be if Steve Jobs wakes up one morning and decides to stop taking the piss with how Apple price their products and thus encourage more people to shell out for one. At which point the nasty spammers and writers of malware and spyware realise that Macs are worth shitting up as well as PCs. And then we get a entirely new cycle of misery, one in which the smug-as-shit Mac users have to get their impeccably groomed heads around the fact that they’re now fair game for hackers.

Oh hang on, it’s already happening. (But without the price-drop part, natch.)

But for now, you’d have to be a fucking idiot not to use a Mac. But obviously, that makes you an insufferable twat. Like me.